Dear Friend,

I'm trying really hard to figure out where this all started. I think it would be easier for me to make a choice if I could just figure everything out. I don't really think that I have much left to live for. My parents are so protective, they keep me away from new people because they think I'm too sensitive or whatever it is they think. Either way, it's preventing me from making friends. For example, one of the people I know from school will call and ask if I can hang out and my family never has anything going on so I'll say probably. But then I ask my mom and she says no. For no reason. Just flat out, won't give me a reason why, no. So then, I have to call my friend back and tell them that I can't go and they ask why and I say my mom won't let me. They normally ask if I'm grounded and I say no, so they don't understand why I can't hang out. Most of them just stop calling or talking to me. The weird thing is, my mom's at work all the time. So I'm home alone in a new town with no friends and just my thoughts. Which are getting worse. I'm barely able to hold myself together now; I can't imagine how quickly I'm going to deteriorate once I go back to school on monday. I know she's trying to protect me, even though I don't know from what, but she's killing me. I'm killing myself. A hell of a lot slower than last time though. I'm so stressed all the time. I either have to eat a ton of food or none. Lately I've been throwing up. I can't sleep. My cutting is getting worse. I'm losing myself. 

I don't think I want to come back.

Dear Friend,

New Year's sucked. Want to know how I spent it? Five minutes before twelve I grabbed a bottle of sparkling apple cider and headed outside. There's a high school literally in my backyard, so I went there. I cranked my iPod, sat on a bench just off the track, and counted down the seconds on my phone. Twelve hit; I chugged the whole bottle and walked back inside to a deluge of complaint from my mom and siblings. Lame. I took some codeine, went to bed. Woke up at four something in the morning and puked my guts out. Happy fucking New Years.

Dear Friend,

sometimes I don't know what to do with myself. I feel myself sinking back into the way I used to be. Super depressed. But the sick thing, I kind of like it. I guess I've been so depressed for so long that it just feels normal. I truly, honestly, do not think that I want to be happy. How messed up is that? I don't know what I'm waiting for or what I'm going to do about any of this. I don't think I'm getting any better, but I do try. Sometimes. And sometimes, I really start to feel a shift. But then, the next morning, I feel like crap. I hate myself, I have low self-esteem, I have major problems eating and sleeping, and whenever I see my old friends, I almost die from an anxiety attack. I just need to get away from life for a little bit. Seriously, all that therapy crap doesn't even work. They should have just sent me to the mountains for the last eight months. Got me a season pass. Hell of a lot cheaper than therapy, let me tell ya. That's really the only time I feel happy. I totally lose myself in the rush and exhilaration. It's amazing. I need to do that more often. It's so sad. The one thing I really need right now is people, but my mom won't let me go to anyone's house. I'm slowly sinking further into myself. And I totally realize it. And I'm not doing anything to try to stop it. I scare myself sometimes. I can't decide if I want to live or not. It's a constant debate. Not to mention all the other crap floating around in my head. School, mostly. I'm so behind and I have so much to catch up on and so many credits to make up. And what if I had another failed attempt? Worst thing ever. It's so humiliating and embarrassing. Plus, I would have to be in the hospital for quite some time and I can't afford to miss any school. And I would feel like a total failure, even though that's how I feel most of the time. I mean, c'mon, I couldn't even succeed in offing myself. That's when you truly suck. But I tried.. I barely smoke anymore and same with the drinking, but I cut all the time. It's such a rush, almost better than being high. Alot cheaper too. I don't eat alot either. I'm just not hungry. Dear Friend, I think I'm killing myself. Help?