Dear Friend,

sometimes I don't know what to do with myself. I feel myself sinking back into the way I used to be. Super depressed. But the sick thing, I kind of like it. I guess I've been so depressed for so long that it just feels normal. I truly, honestly, do not think that I want to be happy. How messed up is that? I don't know what I'm waiting for or what I'm going to do about any of this. I don't think I'm getting any better, but I do try. Sometimes. And sometimes, I really start to feel a shift. But then, the next morning, I feel like crap. I hate myself, I have low self-esteem, I have major problems eating and sleeping, and whenever I see my old friends, I almost die from an anxiety attack. I just need to get away from life for a little bit. Seriously, all that therapy crap doesn't even work. They should have just sent me to the mountains for the last eight months. Got me a season pass. Hell of a lot cheaper than therapy, let me tell ya. That's really the only time I feel happy. I totally lose myself in the rush and exhilaration. It's amazing. I need to do that more often. It's so sad. The one thing I really need right now is people, but my mom won't let me go to anyone's house. I'm slowly sinking further into myself. And I totally realize it. And I'm not doing anything to try to stop it. I scare myself sometimes. I can't decide if I want to live or not. It's a constant debate. Not to mention all the other crap floating around in my head. School, mostly. I'm so behind and I have so much to catch up on and so many credits to make up. And what if I had another failed attempt? Worst thing ever. It's so humiliating and embarrassing. Plus, I would have to be in the hospital for quite some time and I can't afford to miss any school. And I would feel like a total failure, even though that's how I feel most of the time. I mean, c'mon, I couldn't even succeed in offing myself. That's when you truly suck. But I tried.. I barely smoke anymore and same with the drinking, but I cut all the time. It's such a rush, almost better than being high. Alot cheaper too. I don't eat alot either. I'm just not hungry. Dear Friend, I think I'm killing myself. Help?